*Adventures of the UnKept*
Hello to those of you who have stumbled upon this blog.. this first entry is actually a link to the original posts at the Vh1 Kept message board which originated the silliness.. clicking this entry's link will bring you to the originator thread of this blog. As an alternative, clicking on the *comments* link just below will open a box to reveal those original postings as they unfolded at Kept.
Have fun!
Have fun!
posted by BlackVelvetLace | 4:27 PM
5 Comments:
This blog began as spoof message board postings between Vogueon and BlkVelvetLace at the Vh1 Kept message boards. Because the Vh1 board will undoubtedly vanish at some point, the posts were moved to this comment box.
From top down you can follow the original silliness that gave birth to this blog. Jerry, Rachel, Austen, Seth, Katie and others, thanks for a great show, a great summer of entertainment and many laffs as we moved on to spoof/satirize/parody the show. If anything we write is objectional to any of you, just let us know and it will be removed STAT!
~many smiles~
((Moving Vogues initial post which started the spoof))
vogueon
07.15.05
09:48 PM
Hello emcee BVL and others. I have a confession to make. You are so very kind and quick with a helpful word, so I feel safe revealing this personal info to you. Mind if I pull up a chair? Thank you.
The fact that I am here on a Friday night is the very impetus for this whole mental vomit session.
It all started with an innocent visit to the VH1 website after a show. You may have heard of it-- Kept?
Then, I posted a comment. A short, obvious,
observation about how it creepy it was that a "
man" (Frank) with young children (and what I thought at the time, a wife) would go on a show like Kept and compete for a year long stint as a human lapdog for a woman he doesn't even know. I don't have kids but I can't imagine a person would willingly put an ocean between them and their babies for a stranger (or anyone else, for that matter).
I looked around at the other threads and was underwhelmed by all of the other obvious observations.
About this time I moved away and became so busy in my new place and job that I almost forgot Kept.
Almost.
But, I came back to the site. Made a few posts on Miss Lace's thread. {Thank you for the oasis in the otherwise barren desert of posts comprised entirely of the words "hot", "gay", and "slavcardo"}
Then, I made the mistake of wandering off the path and into blog territory. I read Seth's and Austin's. I looked at Jason's but quickly became disgusted with all the inside "joke" nonsense with his bruthas and their attempted "celebrity" by association.
I went to PP, oops, I mean, TWoP, and....here it comes....I read so many stinkin' posts that I am now haunted by the donkey bray echo of the word "snark" that keeps bouncing through my head.
Please, tell me, is there any hope for me now? Will it ever go away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
07.16.05
12:40 AM
((Hello emcee BVL and others. I have a confession to make. You are so very kind and quick with a helpful word, so I feel safe revealing this personal info to you. Mind if I pull up a chair? Thank you.))
::Slaps *The Doctor Is In* sign on her desk and pulls a small notebook from under her chair. Smiles an encouraging smile for Vogue to go on:::
((The fact that I am here on a Friday night is the very impetus for this whole mental vomit session. It all started with an innocent visit to the VH1 website after a show. You may have heard of it-- Kept?)
::Gulps hearing the name of the show, but quickly hides it with a small cough and nods benignly to Vogue. Pen poised over pad, waiting for her to continue:::
((Then, I posted a comment. A short, obvious, observation about how it creepy it was that a "man" (Frank) with young children (and what I thought at the time, a wife) would go on a show like Kept and compete for a year long stint as a human lapdog for a woman he doesn't even know. ))
::Blinks at this new information about Frank. Having hardly wandered beyond the boundaries of her own thread, had heard almost nothing of it:::
((I don't have kids but I can't imagine a person would willingly put an ocean between them and their babies for a stranger (or anyone else, for that matter). ))
::Nods sagely in agreement:::
((I looked around at the other threads and was underwhelmed by all of the other obvious observations. ))
::Looks skyward, visions of *OMG HE'S SO HOTTT* and *RICARDO RICARDO WHERE FOR ART THOU RICARDO* roll around in her head. Snaps back to intense attention as Vogue goes on:::
((About this time, I moved away and became so busy in my new place and job that I almost forgot about Kept. Almost.))
::Scribbles on the pad. Something about an emerging sense of health::
((But, I came back to the site.))
::Puts a big *X* through the *emerging health* part::
((Made a few posts on Miss Lace's thread.))
::Puts three exclamation points over the *emerging health* part:::
(({Thank you for the oasis in the otherwise barren desert of posts comprised entirely of the words "hot", "gay", and "slavcardo"} ))
{You're welcome dear}
((Then, I made the mistake of wandering off the path and into blog territory.))
::Quickly jots *this could be serious*. Beginning to feel a bit warm under her own collar, tugs at it's edge a bit. Recenters, smiles tightlipped and nods for Vogue to continue::
(( I read Seth's and Austin's.))
::Yep it's serious:::
(( I looked at Jason's but quickly became disgusted with all the inside "joke" nonsense with his bruthas and their attempted "celebrity" by association. ))
::Stiffles a laff, having given up on Jason's blog weeks ago::
((I went to PP, oops, I mean, TWoP,))
::TwoP! Tips head forward furtively and looks out of the top of her eyes over her glasses. Wondering if Vogue noticed her own postings at that snarky board::
((and....here it comes....))
::Gulps::
((I read so many stinkin' posts that I am now haunted by the donkey bray echo of the word "snark" that keeps bouncing through my head.
Please, tell me, is there any hope for me now? Will it ever go away? ))
::Exhales very slowly. Secretly relieved. Had been frightened that Vogue was going to reveal either a plot to stalk and kidnap one/all of the kept men, or worse yet, that she was actually Seth in disguise. One never knows, the internet can be so *deceiving*.
Carefully lays notebook face down on desk and leans forward. Removes glasses slowly, and speaks very softly::
Vogue, I do not wish to concern you. And I do not want you become frightened. But. I am afraid I have to tell you that... NO YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. NONE OF US WILL. WHAT WILL WE ALL DO WHEN KEPT IS OVER
:::Arms fling wide open, sweeping the notepad off the desktop::
HOW WILL WE GO ON AFTER ALL WE AND THE KEPT MEN HAVE BEEN THROUGH??
::Hair comes loose from her French braid::
WATCHING NIGHT AFTER NIGHT WEEK AFTER WEEK RUNNING FROM BLOG TO BOARD TO BLOG, POSTING, READING, WATCHING, AS JERRY ELIMINATES HER WAY TO THE ONE
::Stands and slams both palms flat on desk. Leans over it towards Vogue::
WE ALL WISH WE COULD KEEP, GIVEN THAT WEEEE ALL DONT HAVE MANSIONS,
::Rolls eyes upward and tips head back and forth::
IN A SMALL BUT COMFORTABLE SHED BEHIND OUR HOUSE.
::Levels head and stares back at Vogue again::
THE MAN WE ALL WIS.... err.. YOU (coughs) uhm, YOU ALL... errr.. YOU wish (coughs again)
::sits back down::
could take you to uhm.. parties and dinners and movies n' stuff?
::Quickly smooths hair, blouse, and skirt simultaneously::
So to answer your question. No. Life will never be the same.
That'll be $120.00 please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
07.16.05
03:02 PM
Then it is as I feared.
::lowers head in shame, and wonders how she might be able to construct a discrete shed on the balcony of her one bedroom apartment.::
Will you take a check?
::removes checkbook from bag. pauses. then instead goes for her credit card. Confidently, with astonishing movement from denial to acceptance of her disease and the new reality that inevitably will follow, she says::
Better yet, I think you might need a retainer with an "evergreen clause" for me to replenish the account if it ever falls below $500.
::slams the card on the Dr's recently cleared desk. The stark contrast of the shiny platinum rectangle against the deep mahogany reminds her of her own feelings of being set apart.::
If it is, as you say, wish fulfillment gone horribly wrong-- this could get ugly.
::Turns swiftly toward the receptionists desk and strides past it toward the ladies room, with one fist firmly raised above her head as the other hand fumbles through her purse for a kleenex::
REALLY UGLY!
:: Slams the door. moments later, her dizzy blonde head peaks back in sheepishly and asks:
By the way.... do you happen to know where the nearest Home Depot is? I've got to pick up some two by fours and a pad lock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
07.17.05
11:01 PM
::Nods in serious assent to all of Vogues utterances upon finding out the devastating truth. Watches silently as she slaps the classy platinum card against the glossy top of the now clutter-free desk. Squelches an OCDish impulse to check for any scratches in the finish this might've caused. Rather than appear grossly unempathetic, she can always add any damage charges to the credit card later.
After running the card thru whatever you call that lil thing you run credit cards thru and handing it back to Vogue, watches her rush out of the consulting room. Hearing the bathroom door slam, opens hers. The receptionist looks up rather stunned and silently mouthes "Kept"? Her lips set in a grim line, Lace nods. The receptionist shakes her head sadly and returns to her typing, secretly hoping she correctly programmed her TiVo to 9PM last Thursday night.
Both look up surprised as a blonde head reappears. The receptionist gives Vogue directions for Home Depot and they then watch as she hurries out of the office, leaving the outer door open in her haste. Lace and the receptionist exchange knowing glances once again:::
(Lace) Two by fours? A pad lock? You don't think..
(Receptionist) Nah, she can't be thinking of building a shed onto her luxury condo's balcony like I did two weeks ago. The coincidence would be just too much.
::Satisfied with her receptionist's assurance, Lace returns to the inner office. Sitting behind her desk she checks it's smooth surface. Seeing no marks, leans over and huffs on it, then polishes it with her sleeve. She then opens a desk drawer and retrieves a multifunction remote. As she aims it, muted, at the 72" flat TV screen embedded into the mahogany wall unit she had installed just last week, the lifesize figure of Anwar sashays in slow motion down a runway dressed to the 9's.. in a skirt:::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
07.21.05
09:57 PM
DUDE! It all makes perfect sense to me now! I was wondering why all these guys seem so obnoxious on their blogs and nothing like they seemed in the only episodes I had seen up to this point. (I finally got the tv hooked up).
It's a total Peter Gibbin Office Space phenomena.
They are all still unter the crazy hypnotist's last suggestion that they would awake as the most confident and... whatever he said, I can't really remember... guys in the world.
That's it. They are all stumblin, stammerin, droolin, ego zombies!
Somebody slap those four inflating id's on the back and snap 'em out of it before one of them explodes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
07.21.05
11:25 PM
EUREKA! I THINK YOU GOT IT!! Now, if a simple slap on the back doesn't work. what next??? :::Looks expectantly at Vogue:::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
07.22.05
12:11 AM
If the simple slap does not do:
The subjects must then be coaxed into a deeper state of relaxation, in order to re-program them.
Counting back with me now from ten to one, here we go boys... ten.... feeling very relaxed now.....nine.... going deeper now..... eight.... hey! wait a minute.... what on earth!!! Anwar! That is a fine Italian leather sofa, not an Olsen twin. Oh, now that's just wrong..... Mauritzio, enough with the scrubbing already...I assure you the cleaning lady was here on Tuesday, besides, you've been in rubber gloves and an oxygen chamber since they shut the cameras off... too much sterility makes you even more succeptible to attack...just look at Michael Jackson... and Tom Cruise, oops sorry, wrong kind of sterility.... moving on... seven...ok, your heads are feeling very heavy now, it's almost as though you have a thought in it.... six.... you are suddenly feeling very...
What is that, Dr. Lace? Did you say you wanted to take a crack at this? Have some ideas, do you? Well, then by all means... they are all yours. Although, I would suggest that you say something to Seth about your ficus not being a urinal. Man, it's amazing what these guys will do once their inhibitions are removed. Oh, what is that? Not hypnotized? You mean he hasn't even been paying attention this whole time!
::shakes head and looks to her new friend as she quickly grabs a sharpie and scribbles the word "hypno" in front of her "Therapist" nameplate. ::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
07.22.05
01:13 AM
::Sitting at her desk dressed smartly in her olive green DKNY suit, legs folded demurely, Lace's eyes glaze over as Vogue counts slowly backwards from 10. Eyebrows twitch at the mention of her Natuzzi being mistaken for an Olsen. Hearing the word *six*, her chin drops to her chest as she mumbles something unintelligible about the antichrist. Jerks head upright at the call of her name::
(coughs, eyes wide, pupils dilated) Ah, yes Vogue.. (coughs and blinks eyes wider) I certainly would be interested to take a crack... ::Voice trails off, wondering if it is something anatomical about Seth Vogue is actually referring to. Turns quickly to Seth::
EXCUSE ME but there is a men's room in the reception area! :::As Seth takes the bottom of the front of his shirt hem and twists it up inside his shirt pulling the edge out through the neckhole, he walks by the guys in various array making out with the poor couch. With knees bent and hands behind his head, he hesitates in front of them and flexes his stomach muscles in and out a few times before proceeding out into the reception area. None of the guys seem to notice or care. A faint scream is heard from the receptionist. Lace shakes her head and takes a note to call Dr Skrindlehausenpheppehrher for a referral for Ritalin. Wonders why the whole time, her left hand seems to be playing a piano:::
((OLSEN TWIN, OXYGEN CHAMBER, NOT HYPNOTIZED/NOT PAYING ATTENTION.. THESE ARE CLASSIC LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLL))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
07.27.05
07:04 PM
::Not wanting to miss this priceless opportunity to cross-examine four single men under extreme mental sedation, Vogue continues the countdown, despite the disturbing squeaks of leather and latex.::
Now gentleman, this is very important, you must stop what you are doing immediately.
::Anwar, legs akimbo on the couch, falls lifelessly to the floor. Lace scrambles to cover him, as his skirt has flown up in the fall and landed rather immodestly over his fainting head.::
Now pay close attention to my words as I am about to ask you all a very serious question. (tries deperately not to look down) I would like for each of you to tell me... what you want to be more than anything in the world. Do you understand? Good.
Mauritizio, you first. Oh, wait a minute, nope, sorry, it appears you have been booted from the show and none of your dreams will be coming true. Please collect your things and leave immediately. Oh, but before you go, remember this one thing..... (pulls Z aside) on the count of three I will snap my fingers. At that time you will awake feeling completely refreshed and unaware of the fact that the other three boys have been taking turns wiping their noses on you sleeve for the past three hours. You will also have absolutely no shame attached to your time with the show and will not feel compelled to blurt out, uncontrollably, anything about your desire to sleep with your mother, every time you hear someone say the word *kept*. Ok? Very good. 3, 2, 1, ,(snaps). Ok, you can go now, Z. Thank you for taking our survey. (door closes)
Lace? I forget, what was it you were saying about the subconscious mind not being able to register a command in the negative? I knew I should have left this hypnotherapy stuff to the professionals. Really? It just drops all the "no's, "not's", and "wont's" like they aren't even there? Huh? Isn't that something.
Oh well, I'm sure it's no big deal. How often is he going to hear someone mention the word "kept" anyway?
NEXT
Ok, Austen, it's your turn. What do you... Wait a minute (looks around furtively) Do you hear something? (squints eyes, as though that will improve her hearing) It's almost like a trapped kitten, what is that? Oh, it's just Anwar sobbing again. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, anyway, moving on.
Austen, more than anything in the world, what do you want to be? Don't limit yourself here. You can be the next Shakespeare, or Nobel Prize winner. The sky is the limit. What will it be? Now is your opportunity to grab the brass ring....
I...uh...I... I want..... ::courage rising:: I want.. to be..... ::even Anwar quiets his mewing to hear::
I want to be SETH!!
(collective groan)
SETH!?!
You called? ::spiky brown head peaks through the door.:: You poor baa-stahds still in here? I been in the jon watching da browns play in da super bowl for the last half hour.
Yes, Seth, we were just asking the other guys what they want to be. Do you have an answer?
#@$! yes, I got an answer! What the *&% do you think I wanna be!
((grabs the sharpie from the desk and makes a quick X through one of the letters on his nametag. Quickly, he turns around and jumps atop the sofa, bouncing up and down, pounding his fists in the air, screaming))
THIS is what I wanna be! ((sticks the curling tag to his shiny forehead and throws his arms to the air in his final pose of victory. Comes to rest proudly displaying the three letters that encapsulate his life's dream))
S - E - T
For life, baby!
(Austen bats lashes and giggles)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
07.28.05
12:29 AM
::As Maurizio leaves, Lace opens her mouth to respond to Vogue when a second faint scream is heard from the waiting room. The receptionist. Who always asks exiting patients if their appointment was "kept" in order to know whether of not to charge them....
Sprawled across Anwar for decency's sake, Lace plasters her hand across her forehead and closed eyes. She can only imagine Maurizio's response. On second thought she tries not to imagine Maurizo's response.
As Austen answers Vogue's intriguing question, Lace slowly drags an open-fingered hand down her face to stare at him. This gives her a rather attractive look. If you are attracted to hound dogs. With eyes sagging towards her chin and bottom lip curled back to expose her bottom teeth Lace replies, "Did he juss say hiss amvision iss ta ve SETH"?????
::When Seth begins jumping on the Natuzzi with a flapping post-it stuck to his head, Lace releases her face. Between he and Anwar that couch is getting more of a bounce than she is these days. That's messed up. This whole episode is messed up!
Set huh? He busts any springs and she'll be settin' him allrite. Rite on his............:::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
07.29.05
07:54 PM
The Final Two-- Duke it Out
The first rule of Kept Club – No one talks about Kept Club.
The second rule of Kept Club – Update your blog daily with lots of crap about your tortured life of travel and leisure.
----
Ladies and Gentleman! It is my distinct pleasure to welcome you all to the very first Kept “Celebrity” Deathmatch. As you all know, the winner of this bout will win a year with Jerry Hall and more cash, clout, and tail than he rightfully deserves. The loser, well, he will ...
..become the winner’s Kept man.
In the blue corner, weighing in at, (looks at card) what’s this, (reads from bio)“195 lbs of broke”? (coughs) Um, ok, we all believe you on that one.(rolls eyes) This is a real Cinderella rags-to-riches story then, isn’t it Prep School? Somebody call Ron Howard.
Anyway, coming to you straight from Jerry’s bum via Paris France….. you all may know him as Chicklets, but around here we like to call him………..
Austen.... the ANGLOPHILE!!!!!!!!!
::Crowd goes wild with unbridled British-style excitement, tapping their canes, up and down on the arena floor, as Austen throws off his blue silk robe to expose his matching shorts and…. turtleneck. ::
(ok, now it's your turn...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
08.01.05
02:25 PM
(OK but first let me stop wheezing from laughing out my left lung.. ::gets a grip and continues.. unilunged::)
::As the crowd simmers down and someone in the front row adjusts her bonnet.. (squints... could that be.. the Queen?) Austen skulks back to his corner trying to avoid the same photographers he once encountered at Whichbread, or Witchbread, or Whichbred, or whereever the heck it was that he encountered them::
(Announcers voice) And in the red corner trimmed in Christmas wreaths, weighing in anywhere between 175 and 210 pounds, depending on the binge from the previous weekend, and given the oft appearance of derrieres on his blog, we're here to introduce-
Seth... the PYGOPHILE!!!!!!!!!!!
::Vogue swifly climbs thru the ropes and hurries to the announcer. After whispering in his ear, the announcer quickly grabs the dandling mic and reannounces::
According to Kept Club protocol, not to mention sagely advice from our legal counsel, we have the right to denounce any false, insulting or defamatory titles we initially make up simply trying to rhyme with Austen's..
::announcer holds mic aside and whispers to Vogue, 'but we didn't call HIM an a$$'. She just waves him back to the mic, whereby he continues::
..and so, as per instant executive decision, given his sterling performance at the acupuncturists, we are hereby changing Seth's moniker to..
Seth... the AICHMOPHILE!!!!!!!!
::Vogue shakes her head::
(announcer, with arm raised) Seth.. the ANASTEEMAPHILE!!!!!
::Vogue shakes head:::
(announcer, with arms waving) Seth.. the APODYSOPHILE? the ANILILAGNIST? the ANISONOGAMIST!!!! Object of an ANAXIPHILE????????????????
::Vogues raises an eyebrow::
(announcer, tearing at hair) OH ALLRITE... HAVE IT YOUR WAY.. SETH.. the OTHER CONTESTANT!!!!!!!!!!
:::As Vogues nods assent, Seth comes flying out of the red corner, snarling at the paparazzi from Whichbread, or Witchbread, or Whichbred, or whereever the heck it is that they are from. As lightbulbs flash, he flips open his shiny red robe to reveal an equally shiny red speedo trimmed in white fur around the waistband and legs, resplendent with Santa's head imprinted on the back. Red rubber mid-calf boots complete his ensemble. Maybe he should've worn that to his runway show. The crowd once again goes wild with the light (tap-taping) of canes to the hard arena floor.
As Seth struts once around the ring, giving a high 5 to Austen as he passes, he returns to his corner when a single *hiss boo I read your blog and you're so positively boorish you'd never be seen at tea in MY castle* is heard from the front row. Slipping a hand into his speedo he withdraws a banana and promptly beans the detractor in the head. Austen throws an apple. Fifteen dismountees wearing white plumed helmets quickly rush to the woman's side, replace her bonnet, and carry her out a side entrance to a waiting limo. One rushes back in and retrieves her purse::
(You're up.)
(Hey Vogue, maybe Vh1 will hire us as writers for their next reality show. Either that or we're getting sued. Good thing you're a lawyer!)
((In case anyone's in need, glossary of philias~>
http://www.enoma.org/eno/rr/r/ss81.htm))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
08.01.05
03:42 PM
I will reply-- just as soon as I get up off the floor and collect myself. I just looked up what all of those "phile's" mean. For those of you who haven't looked yet, here's a peek:
ANAXIPHILIA: Act of falling in love with a loser by someone who should know better
Priceless!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
08.01.05
05:50 PM
Philes n' Stuff
Hehehe
PYGOPHILIA~> Aroused from buttocks
AICHMOPHILIA~> Love of needles and other pointed objects
ANASTEEMAPHILIA~> Attraction to a person because of a difference in height
APODYSOPHILIA~> Feverish desire to undress
ANILILAGNIA~> Sexual desire for older women
ANISONOGAMIST~> Attraction to either older or younger partners
ANAXIPHILIA~> Act of falling in love with a loser by someone who should know better
http://www.enoma.org/eno/rr/r/ss81.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
08.01.05
09:41 PM
God save the Queen-- from Seth
The crowd, irate at the horrid treatment of their beloved monarch, hurl back their own brand of vengeance at the silk-festooned Yanks.
“Tsk! Tsk!”
“SSssssssssSSSS!”
“I say!”
The official promptly ushers the men to their corners and their managers prepare them for the fight of their lives. In Austen’s corner, Rachel stands ready to slather Vaseline on her blue-eyed boxer to make sure any punches landed by Seth glance off smoothly. Austen waves her off and instead pulls the collar of his turtleneck over his face, exposing only his eyes and shock of blonde.
Seth’s manager is also waved off. Seth pulls his own tube of Vaseline from his speedo and proceeds to cover his entire body with the slippery stuff. He throws the empty tube at the seat where the Queen once sat and shouts, “Suck it ya old broad!”
“What about your mouthpiece, Austen?” Rachel asks, as she dangles the world’s largest mouthguard, before her boy.
“I haff mah own. Iss permament.” He replies through his knit faceguard.
The boxers meet in the middle of the ring and touch gloves. They return to their corners. Seth points to his manger, signaling him to ready his funnel and keg.
The bell rings.
The two boxers rush forward, Austen’s arms windmilling wildly and Seth spitting beer into the air. Before they are able to make contact, there is a loud crash from the corner of the arena that stops them both in their tracks.
(arena doors fly open violently and smoke billows in)
The crowd turns to see that ultimate fighter Frank has entered the building. And he doesn’t look happy. He’s brought his own dry ice and fury.
Frank rushes the ring and jumps to the top ropes. He’s chased by two large men in black suits. He’s crossed the velvet ropes without permission!
Frank screams at the terrified and trembling boys, now clutching each other in the center of the ring. “You two twerps are gonna pay for this! You screwed up my big chance to sell crappy clothes on the internet! It’s because of you, I had to resort to the Kept message board for attention. When I get through with you, you’re both going to look like my earlobes!”
Frank leaps from the top ropes. Sethsten moves, with surprizing agility, and avoids Frank’s clutches. Frank hits the Vaseline and beer covered mat with amazing speed, his arms and legs splayed wide. Like a bald rocket, Frank fires out of the ring, a blur of muscle and madness.
(your turn BVL)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
08.02.05
02:19 PM
Or Seth-- from the Queen
..Like a bald rocket, Frank fires out of the ring, a blur of muscle and madness. The velvet ropes reverberate wildly with his going, Christmas wreathes sprooooiiiingggging from it's red corner, launched as from slingshots into the crowd. A collective gasp arises as all eyes follow the airborne human missile. A faint scream is heard from the back row where Frank lands in an unconscious tumble at the feet of.. the receptionist. She can't win for losin'.
Austen stands mid ring and claws at his turtleneck face-guard, trying to get a better look at who flew by and just where he flew to. Seth clad in white mariboo trim, still clinging to him, mumbles something about fairyboy fighters dressed in silver hoods and pink robes. He throws another banana, this time in Frank's general direction. Austen throws an apple. With his opponent's arm raised, Seth decides to take advantage of the protracted, yet golden moment, suddenly realizing the prize at stake- another whole year of unemployment, paid this time. He sucker punches Austen in the gut. The vaselined boxing glove glances smoothly off Austen's trim abs and slams into his own left eye.
As Seth falls backward, Austen looks down. Not realizing Seth had knocked himself to the mat, Austen suspects Rachel, who'd climbed the ropes in her herring boned skirt and rushed into the ring during the fracas. Seated in the front row with mouths agape are Jerry and the rest of her friends. Austen leans to Seth and whispers, "Dude, you called them old ladies. I TOLD you this would come back to haunt you". Anwar sits unnoticed in the shadows of the second row just behind Susan Wyman, knowingly nodding, lips pursed, one eyebrow raised.
Seth lays flat on his back at Austen's and Rachel's feet. Both of them lean in as he opens his mouth to weakly say, "Hey Rach, nice panties".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, across town, in a crisp white hospital bed lays a white-haired old lady. She is dressed in a pale brocade gown adorned with a 105 karat diamond brooch. Her matching bonnet rests properly on the seat of a nearby chair, covering her purse. A sip of the bubbly rests properly on the small night table at bedside. An ice pack rests properly on the side of her head. Fifteen dismountees in white plumed helmets stand at ramrod attention just outside her hospital door.
((Yourrr turnnnn))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
vogueon
08.03.05
10:46 PM
$100,000 Kept Baby: Always Protect Yourself
"If there's magic in boxing, it's the magic of fighting battles beyond endurance, beyond cracked ribs, ruptured kidneys and detached retinas. It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you."
--Eddie 'Scrap Iron' Dupris
~~~~~
Tomorrow it all ends. The clawing, the spitting, the scratching. We will finally know the identity of the "kept one". There will be time for celebration and tears.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to watch the blasted thing! ((date with a hot pilot (with morals!!!). totally worth it!)) So, I'm going to throw this thread over to Lace for the final entry. I think it is only fitting, since she was the genius behing the whole thing to begin with.
I'm going to miss this show, even though I haven't even seen half of the episodes. I'm going to miss this message board too. There are volumes and volumes of hilarious things that can be written about the characters we have encountered on this show.
Each of the contestants fit into a great archetype. And now it's down to two:
There is Seth: "Seems there are Irish people everywhere, or people who want to be." (another "Scrap Iron" quote from M$B)
And Austen: "Anybody can lose one fight, anybody can lose once, you'll come back from this you'll be champion of the world." (ibid)
I wish them both the best and hope that Seth gets himself into AA as soon as possible. I'm sure Jerry's rock-and-roll connections can hook the boy up with the best rehab in all of London. And as for Austen, I hope he continues to be the person he wants the world to be.
And now........
Back to you, Lace!
Mo cuishle!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
08.04.05
08:21 PM
It all hangs in the balance...
.. and time stands still, as though suspended in mid air. Sounds of the crowd's light cane tapping fade away... Frank in a daze at the receptionist's feet... Anwar's one eye 1/2 closed... Austen and Rachel staring down at Seth... Across town 15 white plumed dismountees frozen to their spot outside the Queen's door. All waiting for 9pm EST to sound and resume:
~The Fight of the Kept Club Century~
Stay tuned....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BlkVelvetLace
08.04.05
11:22 PM
When..
... then in a sudden rush of reality, sounds dimly at first, then loudly, swoop back into the ring. The mad (tap tapping) of canes fill the air. Anwar completes his blink. Frank shakes his head, stands wobbily to his feet and staggers off towards an exit. As he reaches for the door it opens in another burst of fury and smoke. A faint scream. Yah, yah, you know who, can she never squelch her fears?
Thru the mist emerges Katie cloaked in a black cape, followed by Chris and that other guy (what was his name anyway)? The 3 sashay down the middle aisle. The crowd turns to watch. As they approach the ring, Austen and Rachel step back.
Crossing the velvet ropes the 3 set up the *velvet ropes*; the clasp of which sparkles in the arena lights. Katie flips open her cloak to reveal a playboy bunnyish getup. Raising her clipboard, she struts her stuff round the ring, flashing a name written on it, high above her head.
As the crowd reads, it falls to a silent hush. Katie turns into the ring and reveals *the name* everyone's been waiting to know for WEEKS. Austen's jaw drops, wrinkling his turtleneck. Rachel giggles; both of them look down at Seth. Jerry smiles from the front row. Seth looks up, sees his *name in lights* on Katie's clipboard, drops his head back to the mat and sighs, "Ah, I am such a lucky baaaastard".
A white haired old lady in a crisp white hospital bed watches her tellie from across town. At Seth's last words she smirks. Just under her breath she mutters, "You may think so sweetcheeks, but we'll just see how lucky you stay. This here is *my* town".
With that she removes an icepack from the side of her head and reaches for a red phone placed properly next to the bubbly on the nightstand. She hesitates for a split second, and then dials a number. As someone picks up the other end of the line she properly says, "Hello? *Sir* Mick? I have a favour to ask........"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOR THIS BLOG TO MAKE SENSE YOU'LL NEED TO TAKE THE FOLLOWING STEPS:
1) RETURN TO UNREALITY- A KEPT PARODY AND CLICK ON THE TITLE LINK (I SEE LONDON..)
2) READ AUSTENS BLOG ENTRY
3) RETURN TO UNREALITY- A KEPT PARODY
4) READ BLOG ENTRIES FROM THE BOTTOM UP
Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!
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