Le Queen

"We ain't got Jerry with us now. How are we gonna get into any clubs? No place lets just two dudes in."

"It's not a problem, man." Austen replies, "I heard of this one place that will. All the celebrities go there."

Saying this, Austen begins to cross his arms and gradually fold in on himself. Uncomfortably shuffling his feet and staring at the ground, growing more meek by the second, he nervously says "Maybe I can, (clears throat)um, learn something about their (mumbles) culture..n.. stuff.. I've always been interested in that sort of ...."

"Shattap ya retahd. Let's go. You're driving."

The two men start toward Austen's car. "Hey, Nice Union Jack, Jack!" Seth yells, referring to the newly applied decal on the hood of Austen's blue and red Smart Car.

"Thanks, the girls kept falling off the back of the Vespa you bought me. I figured this would be a much better vehicle for finding the girl of my dreams; chicks dig Mercedes, er, uh, made vehicles."

They both "pile into" the tiny car. By, pile in, I mean Seth sits in Austen's lap and steers as Austen works the pedals and hangs the rest of his body out of the Fortwo's hatchback.

Upon arrival, the guys are escorted past the long line of desperately waiting cotton-candy pink and sno-cone blue haired club kids, and are let in immediately. Inside, the familiar "thump, thump, thump" of retro-techno blasts at the rate of "Oh my gaw, you're how old?" beats per second. The heat of the AC-less building, full of hopping and grinding speed freaks, complements the purplish-pink haze of this euro hell. Presiding over it all, is a well-oiled and perfectly tanned specimen dressed in a tight red speedo-- Ricardo.

The guys meander through the sweaty crowd, not having spotted Ricardo yet in the cage high above them.

"It's a regular sausage factory in here!" Seth shouts, commenting on the largely male population of the club.

"Dude, be cool, we're in Europe!" Austen retorts, embarassed by his friends lack of couthe.

"Who the hell told you about this place anyway!" Seth replies loudly, as he grabs an unattended drink from the counter and slams it.

"Andy Dick, why?" Austen responds, defensively.

"Figures. This place sucks!" He grabs another drink and promptly downs it too.

"What are you doing?!" Austen says as he grabs the third pilfered drink from Seth's sticky hand and sets it back on the counter in front of the shiny-shirted man who has briefly turned his back to tip the waiter.

"I'm having a drink. What's it look like I'm doin? Drinks are like ten euro's here. I'm not gonna pay that much dough when I can get it for free. Relax, they aren't going to kick us out, you're like the only chick in this place right now." As he picks the drink back up and chugs it.

At this moment, the man whose drink Seth had just guzzled turns to see that his glass is now empty. He looks around and sees Seth and Austen walking toward the dance floor, Seth is wiping his mouth with his arm and flinging the excess wetness to the ground. Enraged, the burly man jumps from his seat, growls angrily, and tears open his already stretched to capacity shirt with his purplely-glittered fingernails. "YOU!"

It's Frank! And he's not happy.

Panicked, the guys run toward the center of the floor in a crazed attempt to hide from Frank's wrath. Instead,a frenzy erupts as the dancing crowd splits and the club rats flee as from a sinking ship. Feather boas fly.

"It's, like, you guys!" A voice is heard from the cage above. "What are you doing here? Slavi-- get them!" He shrieks to one of the dancers below.

It's Slavco. And he's not cogitating.

Frank climbs to the countertop and leaps toward the cage. He catches two bars on the bottom and slowly begins to swing, back and forth, over the foggy floor. Seth and Austen are temporarily frozen, unsure of how to get past Slavco, who is menacingly posing on one side, and Frank, who is about to drop from the sky and crush them both. Ricardo is throwing lollipops at them all.

"Here, use this!" Austen says as he tosses a disco ball to Seth. Seth strategically moves the shiny object in front of Slavco and, while he is distracted by his own reflection, the guys run past him and toward the emergency exit.

By this time, Frank has gained tremendous momentum and releases his grip on the cage. He flies directly toward them with amazing speed. Just as he is about to reach the fleeing duo, he's stopped short. His spandex pants have caught on the corner of the cage! He flies back across the room in the opposite direction and is shot out of the club like an underaged(and unattractive)drinker.

Seth and Austen run through the alley toward Austen's ride. As they pass the stunned crowd standing in front of the club, Seth cannot resist the priceless opportunity.

"Wait, wait, look at this!" He says as he turns to moon the mob of Le Queen patrons.

"What are you doing, you idiot!" Austen shouts.

The crowd begins to chase the two men down the Champs.

"Got any bright ideas now, genius?" Seth asks... hoping Austen will save them both again.

"Not unless you've got any bananas left."